My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
