There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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