In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
