I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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