If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
