evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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