I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i wish my penis had a tongue
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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