I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
