Betty ford says i'm here all night
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
