Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
