Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
