I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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