Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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