i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
