took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
As shirtless as possible
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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