between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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