I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
