We're facebook friends in real life
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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