The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my sisters under your porch take her home
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Found the puke drawer
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize