you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
