I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
