Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
