Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
