I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
