I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
