I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
