you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
well you can't waste a boner
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
