my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
