remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
