Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
