When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
should my penis look like a turkey
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
