12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
