U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
