3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
