walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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