i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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