Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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