You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
