What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
