A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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