Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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