Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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