You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
