he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
