I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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