Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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