advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
