I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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