bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
