you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
