He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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